What Does It Mean To Be A Man?

I have spent a lot of my time on this earth asking this question: What does it mean to be a man? It first occurred to me when I was very young and has never left.

We are influenced at a very tender age and taught what masculinity is by how those around us behave, speak to us, treat us. Whether or not they know it, they are teaching us; and whether or not we know it, we are learning. It shadows us through everything we do. Like me, most men I’ve met have made up a lot of stuff about what it is to be a man; every man I have ever spoken with admits that there are times when he doubts if he is the kind of man he should be. Today, thankfully, it seems more and more people are asking and dealing with this question.

For a long time I thought I stood outside and was only looking in on masculinity. I thought I knew I was not a man. Why? Because so much of my internal self seemed to contradict how men were supposed to be. Sure, I was athletic and had a good sense of humor – but I wanted to connect with guys at a deeper level, and you just didn’t do that, at least not sober. The problem was that I kept so much of that conversation inside. As judge and jury of my own masculinity, I was always guilty – of not being manly enough. This personal journey is what led me to doing the work I am now privileged to be doing.

So what does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? This fundamental question is the foundation around which our new trauma-informed and gender-responsive curriculum is developed. How do we encourage men to honestly address these questions and doubts when they are seeking sobriety? Although it is difficult and sometimes painful, men need to face this question the second they begin working towards recovery.

Then comes the moment when we have to face our addiction and ourselves in a way that we never have before. The people who are helping us to embrace recovery from addiction tell us we have to talk about our feelings, ask for help, “let go,” and many other actions that do not seem very manly. But we do them to save our lives.

Whatever pain or grief has fed our addiction is ultimately what provides us strength in recovery. We do what we are instructed to do despite how strange it seems, and something incredible begins to happen: we feel better. We get better. Some of us feel more alive than we have in years – and some of us feel alive for the first time ever.

That is the amazing thing about recovery from addiction: we have the opportunity to find freedom from something that we did not know was imprisoning us. Most men do not even recognize at first that the transformation is occurring. They go to meetings. They hug other men because that is what they see other men are doing. They reach out for help when they need it, because they are told this will provide support in their sobriety. They talk about their inner lives – sometimes for the first time – because they come to realize that if they don’t, many of them will undoubtedly go back to using. So we keep doing what we are instructed to do. We watch those whom we respect and emulate their actions. Slowly, we transform as men. We become, in our most true moments, shining lights of what it means to be real men.

So, again I ask: What does it mean to be a man in recovery from addiction? The beauty of the answer is that it means whatever you want it to mean. There is no wrong answer. You do not have to be tied to anything because you can always change your mind. It always means whatever you want it to mean. There is a whole universe of possibilities and once you get out of the box the world opens up to you as it never has before. And in that opening you find yourself – and you become the man you were always meant to be. For me, the answer to the question is quite simple, yet most difficult to practice: Be who you are.

Dan Griffin M.A., has worked in the mental health and addictions field for over 16 years. He is co-author of the groundbreaking trauma informed curriculum, Helping Men Recover. To get a free excerpt from his book and his curriculum, go to http://www.dangriffin.com.